Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
