he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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