my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
