dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
