and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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