My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
