I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
