I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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