we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
