uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
