my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I just googled if crying burns calories
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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