So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
