Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
