when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
