allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Randomize
