This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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