I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
