even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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