First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
