never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
he was CRYING into my vagina
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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