I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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