There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I enjoy the company of your penis
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
