i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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