I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
