I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
