I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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