Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
