I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
