I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
