life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
