you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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