I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
