Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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