If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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