Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Randomize
