His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
