Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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