I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
