I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
