did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize