i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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