everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
