I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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