Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I wish I could teleport
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
