i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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