think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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