That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
