it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize