Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
