I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
