it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
