turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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