you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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