i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
