apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize