Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
