I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Randomize
