Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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