I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
