I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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